Dying to be Perfect
by SagaChronicles
Summary: Tori becomes obsessed with having the perfect body after an audition, she takes it to extremes but doesn't realize what she is doing to herself. Nobody knows that behind that smile and bright eyes, a young girl is starving herself to be perfect. Rated for self harm.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: Hey there, this is just a short story. It's very personal to me so I'm not really worried about reviews, follows or favorites or anything like that. Just something I wanted to write. I wrote this for a friend of mine. Just a heads up it includes Self Harm etc. No hate please? Not all chapters are as depressing as this one.**

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Tori smiled to herself and shook out all her nerves. She was confident, she had prepared for this audition for weeks. She was sure she would get through it.

Today she was auditioning for one of the main roles in a play called _Beach Days_ in a local theater. Her friends had helped her so much for this audition she promised she would do them proud.

She sat on one of the blue, plastic chair that were lined up with other auditionees outside the stage door. She was next in line to go on to the stage and perform. She looked over her script one last time before she heard her name being called. "Victoria Vega!" Somebody shouted.

She inhaled and stood up. She confidently walked on stage. Down below were two people, a middle aged, bald man with glasses and a young woman in her twenties.

"Good afternoon Victoria," The woman smiled. "My name is Rachel, I wrote the play and this is Gareth Merrilou, the director. Am I correct in saying that you are auditioning for the part of Sally?"

"Yes," Tori nodded.

"Ok, well then you may begin," Rachel told her as she scribbled something down on her clipboard.

Tori took a deep breath and began to recite the piece of script she had revised. She felt so comfortable and confident that she could feel herself acting better than when she had practiced at home. She could not help but smile to herself when she had finished.

She looked hopefully at her judges. Rachel was beaming up at her but the director looked sceptical.

"Well?" she asked. "How did I do?"

"That was a fantastic audition Tori, you really brought out her character in your acting," Rachel smiled. "What did you think Gareth?"  
"Well I guess that was good in terms of acting, but it's not just about the acting is it?" Gareth sighed in his thick English accent. "No offence Victoria, but Sally has a bikini scene and I don't think you have the, well, physique that I'm looking for. I'm afraid this part isn't for you, but thank you for auditioning."

Tori felt like a thousand daggers had hit her at once. She walked out of the room, dumbfounded. Had he really said that? She felt her eyes tear up. She had never felt so hurt by criticism before.

She grabbed her bag, script and coat and walked angrily out of the theater. André and Cat were waiting for her in the parking lot.

"So how did it go?" Andre asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," she sniffed. "Let's just get out of here."

She got into his car and slammed the door closed. Andre started the car and drove to her house. Cat and Andre brought her inside where Trina, Robbie, Beck and Jade were waiting for her

"Don't ask," Andre warned them

"What are you guys doing here?" Tori sighed.

"After seeing you practise we were sure you would get the part, we wanted to be here to celebrate," Beck replied.

"Actually I would have preferred not to come but Beck gave me no option," Jade groaned.

"Well I didn't get it, so you can all just leave," Tori muttered.

"Come on Tori, it can't have been that bad," Cat piped.

"What happened Tori?" Beck asked, they were all so curious to what had upset her so much.

"Please, I don't want to talk about it," Tori snapped and ran upstairs, slamming her door behind her. She threw her belongings on her bed. She grabbed the script for _Beach Days_ and tore it to pieces. White confetti fell to the floor.

Tears came strolling down her cheek. _Sure I'm not perfect,_ she told herself. _But am I really not thin enough to pull of a bikini scene?_

She walked over to her mirror and glanced at her reflection. She looked as close as she could. With her hands she found small pieces of flab around her stomach and then noticed her face had some extra flesh on it too. She hated herself for it, in her eyes it was grotesque.

_Oh god,_she gasped. _He was right, I am fat, how have I not noticed this before? __  
_

In an angry rage, she opened her drawer where she kept her candy stash and threw it all in a brown paper bag_, _she marched down to her kitchen and threw the bag in the trashcan.

"Tori are you ok?" Trina asked. "Your friends left a few minutes ago, I told them you probably needed some space."

"I'm fine," she snapped back and returned to her room. She flipped open her laptop and opened her favourite search engine. She began to type.

"_How to lose weight" , _she pressed enter and hundreds of results flashed up in front of her. She clicked on the first website. She read through the different articles and information.

"Ok," she read aloud. "I'm supposed to eat 1800 calories a day, so maybe if I cut down to 1500 for a while I'll lose weight faster."

She saw something pop up at the side of the web page. "Your Thinspirational Website" the advertisement read. Tori couldn't stop looking at it, she had to click on it.

The bright website loaded with pictures of girls skinnier than Tori could ever imagine. A picture on the middle of the screen told her that the "perfect" body consisted of a thigh gap, visible collar bones and hip bones and a flat stomach. Tori looked at it in awe. _If I had a body like that I'd never have a problem getting parts, _she decided. Another picture popped up beside it with a pretty blonde girl in a bikini with everything listed on the perfect body list. Tori so badly wanted a figure like hers.

Under neath the photo was a comment. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Tori grabbed a piece of paper and wrote it down and stuck it to her mirror. She decided she would live by it. She looked at herself again. _Why would any director want someone as ugly as me in their play anyway?__  
_

"Tori!" Her mother shouted. "Dinner is ready!"

"I already ate!" She shouted back. "I'm going for a run."

She threw on her running clothes and took one more glance at the quote on her mirror. She had a goal and she was not going to give up on it. She wouldn't stop until she too, had the perfect body.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious or any of it's characters.**

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Days past and Tori was determined to stay focused on her goal. Nobody or nothing could stop her. She ate less and less every day.

On Monday she went to buy lunch at the cafeteria with her friends. She had an empty feeling in her stomach from not eating but she had seen a quote online that read. _Reaching Perfection Hurts. _She decided it was probably true.

She browsed through the menu in disgust. "This stuff is all terrible, it's all processed and fried. I wonder how much calories is in this stuff."

Jade turned around with narrowed eyes. "Since when have you started caring about calories and food?"

"I can do what I want can't I?" She snapped back. Her lack of energy from not eating enough and over-excercising was putting her in a terrible mood. _It will pay off in the end, _she told herself. _I'll be happier than ever when I'm thin._

"So what are you getting?" Andre asked her. She decided that none of this food was healthy enough and it was better off if she didn't eat at all. "I'm not hungry, I'll eat later," she replied. She caught Jade staring at her, Tori glared back until Jade sighed and looked away.

She sat down between Cat and Jade and remained silent for the majority of lunch while Jade talked to Beck and Cat was discussing her own audition for a school play. Tori was too caught up in thoughts of perfect bodies and acing auditions to contribute to a conversation.

"Tori, did you hear me?" She heard Cat snap and she suddenly zoned out of her thoughts.

"What?" Tori frowned.

"I said I need to go shopping after school for a new dress for my audition, do you want to come with Jade and me?" Cat beamed.

Tori thought about it. She was tired and a had a killer headache but it might get her out of dinner, she just was not in the mood for eating today. She was punishing herself for accepting second helpings from her mother at dinner yesterday. She hadn't eaten since. "Sure," she replied. "Why not?"

She sent her mom a text explaining why she would be home late and told her she would eat while shopping. She knew her mom wouldn't question this.**  
**

After school Jade and Cat met her at her locker. "Come on let's get this over and done with," Jade groaned. "I really hate shopping with you Cat."

"Why?" Cat cried.

"Because it's so pink and disgusting," Jade replied. Cat giggled. "Are you coming Vega?"

"Yeah," Tori smiled. "Let's go."

They hit the city and Cat dragged them to her favourite boutique. "Come on!" She squealed. "I love this place."

"Eww, do we have to?" Jade groaned.

"Come on it will be fun! Tell her Tori," Cat exclaimed. Tori giggled and followed her into the store which was decorated with bright pink, striped wallpaper. She could see why Cat would like it. Cat squealed like a child in playground as she ran to a rail of dresses. Tori followed her over. Cat rooted through the rails, picking up each dress one, examining it for a minute then putting back the ones she didn't want. She picked up a tight, short blue dress.

"Tori, this would be amazing on you!" Cat smiled. "And it's half price! You should try it on!"

Tori looked at it. It was a beautiful, fitted dress but she wasn't sure if she could fit in it. "Cat, that's a size two, I doubt it will fit anyone, that's why it's on sale." Jade pointed out.

Tori was immediatley offended by her comment. "It's fine, I'll try it on." She grabbed the dress and walked to the dressing room, pulling the curtain closed behind her. She unzipped the dress and slipped it on, but when she tried to zip it back up she couldn't. It was too tight, she felt like she was about to burst out of it. She threw it off her in disgust.

"Tori, have you tried it on?" Cat asked from outside.

Tori sniffed back her tears as she answered. "Yes, but it looked awful on, it didn't suit me."

She hung the dress back on it's hanger and placed it back on the rail. "Well I think I found my dress!" Cat piped, holding up a sparkling gold dress. Tori looked enviously at her, Cat was so thin and beautiful, Tori was sure she could get any part she wanted, so could Jade. Her friends were the prettiest girls in Hollywodd Arts, she didn't understand why they'd hand out with somebody like her.

"Is everything ok Tori?" Jade whispered as Cat paid for her new dress.

"Yes I'm fine." Tori replied as she left the shop, she began to walk but she felt her knees buckle and she was falling. Jade caught her by her jacket and pulled her up. Tori put her hand to her head which was spinning.

"Tori, are you ok?" Jade asked concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just dizzy," Tori answered.

"When did you last eat?"

"Earlier, look I'm ok, I'm just really hot, I need air ok?" Tori snapped, wondering why Jade even cared.

"What's wrong?" Cat asked as she joined them.

"Nothing," Tori answered. "Everything is fine now."

"Can we go to Nozu or somewhere? I'm bored and I need food," Jade complained.

"Ok," Cat smiled. "But then we're going shoe shopping!"

Tori frowned. She wasn't going to be able to skip food if Jade and Cat were with her. They knew she hadn't eaten at lunch. She sadly, followed them down the street to Nozu. They took their usual seats and had their orders taken. Tori had stared at the menu for ages trying to figure out what had the least amount of calories but in the end couldn't figure it out. She decided to order Spicy tuna like Cat and Jade.

Finally the food was put in front of them. Tori stared at her plate, no plate of food had ever looked so appetizing yet disgusting at the same time. _I can't eat this, it will just turn into fat._ She told herself in a panic.

"Tori, come on eat it, it's amazing!" Cat said encouragingly. Tori ate a mouthful, she could see Jade eyeing her suspiciously.

_She knows something is up._ Tori thought. _I'm going to have to eat it. _Suddenly an idea entered her head, an idea she had never expected to. She quickly ate the fish in front of her, she didn't even let herself taste it before she swallowed.

"Excuse me," she stood up. "I need to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute."

She quickly walked to the ladie's room and locked herself into a cubicle. She felt so disgusted that she had eaten that enitre tuna dish to herself. She had a solution in mind, one that might help her a lot in the future. She didn't care if it was bad for her, it would make her thin; she got on to her knees and bowed her head over the toilet bowl, as she stared into the murky water below she reached two fingers into the back of her throat and made herself sick.

She felt so ashamed but good at the same time, her stomach felt empty once again but there was a roaring pain left in her throat , she could not stop coughing either. A foul smell arose in the cubicle. She heard someone enter the bathroom and quickly flushed the toilet, while still trying to control her coughing.

She unlocked the door and stepped outside. Jade was standing there with her hand held to her nose. "Tori," she gasped with concerned eyes. "What happened?" That's when Tori broke down.


	3. Chapter 3

Tori's eyes were blurred from her tears. She felt her mascara running down her cheeks. "Here," she heard Jade say as she held out a kleenex. Tori took it and wiped her eyes. "Thanks," she sniffed.

"Tori what's wrong?" Jade sighed.

"Nothing, I think I just got food poisoning from the fish," She replied.

"Really Tori?" Jade rolled her eyes. "Don't act innocent with me, food poisoning doesn't come on that quickly. Why did you make yourself sick?"

"Look Jade, I'm fine, it was nothing," Tori replied as she pushed the door open but Jade caught her wrist and pulled her back in.

"It's not nothing Tori," Jade frowned.

"Look, why do you care?" Tori snapped. "You hate me!"

"Only sometimes," Jade smiled gently. "Tori, do you really think I'm that heartless, that I would just let you do this to yourself. Tori, we may not be best friends, but we're friends right?"

"Are we?" Tori questioned.  
"Yes," Jade answered. "Please tell me what's wrong? I know something happened at that audition."  
"Look nothing happened!" Tori lied, she was too embarrased to tell her that the director didn't think she had the figure to pull off a bikini. It made her feel ashamed of herself. She just wished all this weight on her body would go away.

"Tori, I know you're not going to tell anyone, so please tell me? You can trust me. Who would I tell anyway?" Jade asked, Tori had never seen her so concerned about anything before.

"Please Jade, you have to promise me you won't tell anyone?" Tori begged.

"I promise but you have to tell me what happened. Look, I've been through this stuff before with someone I know, she had a really bad time, talking helps," Jade told her.

"I'm just not happy with how I look,ok? I don't need help or to talk to anyone." She cried.

"So you stopped eating? And started making yourself sick?" Jade asked in shock. She couldn't understand it.

"Well that was the first time," Tori sniffed.

"Please let it be the last time. You really need to talk to somebody. Tori, I hate to admit it but you're really pretty,why are you so unhappy?" Jade pointed out.

"Look it doesn't matter," Tori muttered. "But I'm fine now. I'm too scared to do it again now you know."

"You need to talk to someone, please Tori," Jade insisted but Tori remained silent. Jade sighed. "Fine, if you're not going to tell me we better go back outside. Come on. Cat is probably getting worried. But Tori, if this happens again and you won't tell me why, I'm going to talk to have to tell someone."

"No!" Tori exclaimed. "You can't do that!"  
"Then promise you'll stop?"

"Fine, I promise."

Tori sighed and followed Jade back into the restaurant. Cat was waiting at their table with her arms folded. "What took so long?" She asked.

Tori looked at Jade with worried eyes, but Jade smiled reassuringly back. "We were just talking about how tired we are of shopping."

"Oh that's ok, I guess I'll find a pair of shoes at home to wear with my new dress," she smiled happily. Tori wished she could be as carefree as Cat. She was always smiling. Tori was relieved she could just get home, she felt uncomfortable around Jade now that she knew what she was up to.

Jade, Cat and Tori all returned to Jade's car and Jade drove her home. As Tori got out her eyes met Jade's. Jade gave her a smile. It was an Everything-is-going-to-be-alright smile. Tori weakly smiled back and closed the car door. But Jade was wrong, everything was not going to be alright, Tori felt even worse about herself for not being able to keep her secret to herself. Now Jade would watch over her like a hawk and try to get a proper answer out of her. This is exactly what she did not want to happen.

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At school the next day she avoided Jade as much as she could. At lunch she told her Andre and Beck she was staying inside to work on her songwriting project just so Jade would not force her to eat. She sat alone inside the classroom, waiting for the bell to ring and for her classes to resume but lunch break seemed to take forever today. She couldn't remember the last time she had had a proper meal or even eaten, _I guess that's good, it means I'm cutting down on calories, I'll lose a few pounds in no time,_ she told herself reassuringly. She felt weak but she was sure a good night's sleep would fix that, she had barely slept last night with worries of what jade might say or do.

The bell rang and she sighed with relief. She walked out into the corridor and headed straight to her locker. "Tori!" She heard someone shout. She froze and turned around. It was Jade, she stood in front of her with her arms folded. "Why do I have the feeling that you've been avoiding me all day?"

"What? No, I haven't," Tori said as she tried to walk away. She tried to ignore Jade but she could not ignore the thumping headache in her skull. She began to feel dizzy as she walked towards Sikowitz' class.

"Tori come back here, have you eaten today?" Jade insisted.  
"Come on we're late for class," Tori whispered weakly and walked slowly ahead.

"Tori!" Jade called her. "You have to talk to somebody about this!" Tori turned back to look at Jade but her knees buckled and she fell uncontrollably to the floor, "Oh my gosh Tori!" was the last thing she heard, then everything went black.


	4. Chapter 4

Tori found herself in the nurse's room lying flat on her back ,staring at the ceiling decorated with stick on stars, when she woke up. there was an ice pack on her head.

"Hi Sweetie," She heard a soft voice say. She turned over to see her mom at her bedside. Tori's heart sank.

"Mom," she groaned. "What are you doing here?"

"The school rang to tell me you had fainted. Jade here explained why," Her mother answered sadly. Tori noticed Jade standing awkwardly in the back of the room. "Oh Baby, I was so worried."

"Mom, please I'm fine," Tori mumbled.

"Honey, please, you need to eat, why didn't you talk to me about this? We could have worked something out," Her mom whispered as she put Tori's hand in hers and squeezed it gently.

"Look, the nurse told me you should get some sugar into you, so here's some chocolate, I have to go talk to the nurse, I'll be back in a minute," Holly continued, Tori could tell she was afraid to leave. "Jade, will you make sure she eats that?"

Her mom disappeared behind the curtain that split the nurse's office in half. Tori sat up and kept her eyes fixed on the floor for a few minutes.

"You told my Mom?" She hissed.

"Tori! I had no choice! I called for help and Lane came and he said I had to tell the nurse anything I knew. They ran gyour mom and made me tell her everything."

"So the school knows?" Tori shrieked in terror.  
"Just Lane, Tori, but it's ok, he deals with this stuff," Jade replied.

"But Mom, she wasn't supposed to find out Jade!" Tori snapped angrily. "DO you know how awkward this is going to make my life? My whole family will be constantly fussing over me and watching me like I've escaped from an asylum!"

"I'm sorry Tori there was nothing I could do!" Jade sighed. "Will you please eat now, I hate having to worry about you."

Tori frowned. She knew she had no choice, her mother would be questioning her when she returned. She opened the candy bar and ate it slowly. She saw Jade relax. "Thanks Tori," Jade smiled.

"I'm really tired, do you think I can go to sleep?" Tori asked.  
"Sure, I'll tell them not to disturb you," Jade replied and exited the curtained room. Tori waited until she heard the door on the further side of the room close before she burst into tears. She felt so angry at herself, she never wanted her family to find out. She was angry at herself for letting Jade find out. The only comfort she had was that she hadn't told Jade what this was all about or else her parents might not let her audition for anything again.

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Tori was sent home early from school. The whole car journey home with her mom was awkward. Neither of them knew what to say. When they got home, Holly made Tori stay in the kitchen as she prepared a pasta for her. Tori groaned. She was not in the mood for eating.

Holly sat her down at the table and placed the huge plate of food in front of her. Tori felt nauseous at the sight of it. Her appetite had shrunk over the past few days but Holly was going to watch her until the plate was empty.

Tori found herself trying to force the food down her throat after a few bites, she hated it.

"Mom please," she begged. "I'm going to be sick."

"Please Tori," Her mom pleaded with guilt filled eyes. "Just one more bite, for me."

Tori felt like a test subject as her mother watched her eat. She was so irriatated by everyone but espeicially by herself. She was being treated lik a child or a special case. None of this would have happened if she had just waited until she had gotten home yesterday.

"Mom, please," she asked again when her plate was half empty. "I can't eat anymore. Can I go to sleep?"

"Fine," her mother sighed. "But I'm waking you in an hour. Tori, please, don't do anything you'll regret."  
"I won't," Tori muttered as she walked upstairs. She angrily slammed her bedroom door shut. Her mind was divided into rage and sadness.

_There's nothing wrong with me,_ Tori told herself. _I just wanted to lose weight. Why did Jade have to screw everything up? She should have just stayed out of it. _

Fear suddenly entered Tori's head. Jade had told her mom how long would it be before she told her friends? Soon the whole school could think she was some sort of freak. She looked at her phone, she was scared to even log on to The Slap. In Hollywood Arts, rumours became tweets in a matter of seconds.

She began to panic. She was so angry with herself, she needed something to take her anger out on. She noticed her purple scissors on her desk, she used it for art. She picked it up instantly knowing what damage it could do. She looked at her bare wrist and realised that the best thing to take her anger out on was herself. She spread out the scissors blade and with a blade pointed to her wrist, she faded into her own world of depression and scars.

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**AN: Hey, ok this is getting deep. It shouldn't be to detailed but just a heads up there is self harm in the following chapters. I'm going on holidays tomorrow, and I don't know when I'll get to update this but I'll try do it as soon as possible. Sorry :( thanks for reading.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Hey I'm back! Sorry I haven't updated in a while , I'll try to be more committed but I'm so busy at the moment. THANK YOU so much for all your reviews, follows and favorites, it means more to me than you know. I'll try to reply to some of your reviews in the next few days. More self harm ahead, just a heads up.**

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_ One cut for being fat_

_ One for being ugly_

_ One for being stupid_

_ One for letting Jade find_ out

_ One for fainting_

_One for auditioning in the first place._

_ One for what is about to come_

These were the thoughts that filled Tori's head as she slashed her skin with the scissors blade, decorating her arms in scars and red blood. She was furious with herself. But somehow, turning all the pain inside her chest into physical pain on her left wrist made her feel better, it was like taking away a burden but her mind was still consumed by a dark cloud of negative thoughts. She was unsure of how long this relief would last but she felt better. She finally dropped the scissors on to the desk and saw how much of a mess she had just made. The blade was covered in bright red blood as was her wrist.

She heard a knock on her door. "Tori, are you awake?" Her mother called. She panicked and quickly slammed the stained scissors into a drawer and with a kleenex, wiped the drops of blood of her desk and arm, leaving her with a stinging sensation. She grabbed a jumper and placed it over her t-shirt to hide the scars and jumped into her bed, pulling the covers over her.

She saw the door knob twist and the door was pushed open. Her mother peered her head inside her room and smiled with relief when she saw Tori in her bed.

"Your dad and sister are home, I'm going to make dinner,I want you down in the kitchen in ten minutes."

"Fine," Tori sighed and waited until Holly closed the door. She swiftly got out of her bed and pushed up her sleeve which was sticking to her skin with blood. The slits were closing up. She pulled off her jumper and put on a new clean one with long sleeves, it was hot outside but she couldn't show her arm to anyone.

She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She pulled it out and saw a text from Jade, she opened t and read it. **I hope you're ok. Sorry your parents found out. If you need me, I'm here.**

Tori didn't reply and put the phone back in her pocket. She didn't need sympathy or Jade, she didn't need anybody. She was capable of taking care of herself, what she did was nobody else's business. She cleaned the mascara from her face and opened her bedroom door. She could hear her parents fighting over her.

"You're always around how did you not notice? Don't you talk to her about this stuff?" Her dad was shouting.

"Of course David, blame it all on me," Holly snapped. "Look, it's probably just a teenage phase, I know Tori, she probably became obsessed with some diet or something, it won't happen again, ok?"

"It better not Holly!" David muttered. Tori froze, she didn't know what to think of this argument, her mom was right, it was no big deal. She couldn't understand why Jade and her dad were getting so worked up about it, but at least she knew now that she couldn't go to her mom for support, her mom barely knew her as a person.

She walked down stairs into the kitchen where Trina and her parents were. They all looked stressed and tired. Her parents were avoiding eye contact with each other.

"Tori!" Trina called. Her dad looked up and half smiled.

"Hi," Tori mumbled as her dad gave her a hug.

"Don't scare me like that again baby," He whispered softly. "I was worried."

"Dad, I'm fine now, I'm sorry," she replied. "I promise." It was a promise she knew she couldn't keep, but once her parents believed her she didn't care.

"Ok, everyone sit down," her mother chirped as she placed a plate of food in front of them. Tori felt sick by the sight of food but she didn't exactly have plans to keep it down. She ate the food as quick as she could hoping nobody would notice.

"I'm glad to see you're appetite's back," Her dad smiled. Tori saw Holly glare at him and there was an uncomfortable silence at the table again. It was only ever this awkward at dinner when there was an unwanted guest there, Tori felt like she was the unwanted guest.

She put her cutley on her plate and stood up, "I'm going to do my room," she announced but was caught by her mother's hand.

"No you're not, you can stay down here for a while and do the dishes."

Tori rolled her eyes but didn't let her mother see. She felt terrible, she couldn't stop thinking of all the weight she was going to gain. She slowly got up and began to wash the dishes. She despised herself right now. She wished she could be strong but she told herself she didn't deserve it yet, she was still going to try to be skinny. Even if nobody was going to help her. She would stop at nothing.

Finally she was allowed leave the kitchen. She ran to the bathroom desperatley and hunched down over the toilet, she reached her fingers into the back of her throat butshe couldn't make herself sick. Annoyed and flustered, she ran to her room. She didn't even bother to turn on the lights, she knew what she wanted to do. She knew it wouldn't make her any skinnier but maybe the pain would be a distraction from food, her family and friends and from her own slammed her door closed and sat at her desk. She retrieved the pair of stained scissors from her drawer and this time held out her other wrist.

_One for being fat_

_ One for being ugly_

_ One for eating a whole plate of food._

_ One for not being able to get sick._

_ One for all the weight I'm about to gain._


	6. Chapter 6

The next day was Friday. Tori woke up with a sick, nervous feeling in her stomach. She was not ready to face school again. What if everybody found out that she had tried to starve herself? What if they all noticed how fat she was? Tori's mind were swarmed with these dark thoughts. It made her feel physically sick. She begged her mother to let her stay at home.

"No Tori, you're not staying here by yourself!" Her mother replied without any consideration.

"And why not?" Tori moaned. "I always take care of myself and Trina for that matter!"

"Well right now, I don't think you can take care of yourself Honey," her mom said quietly. "Look, everything will be ok you just need to keep your head up and face your problems instead of hiding from them. If school is really unbearable , you can call me and I can pick you up around lunch time,ok? But I really need you to try."

"Fine," Tori sighed. She didn't want to but she could probably survive until then. She had put on a purple hoodie over her t-shirt to hide the scars from her mother and now she would have to leave it on all day so nobody else would see. She really ddin't want to face her classmates today. Butterflies began to build in her stomach as she got into Trina's car.

She stared out the window as Trina drove, she wasn't in any mood for conversation but Trina began to speak anyway. "Tori, I don't get it, why do you think you need to lose weight? I didn't think you could lose any more weight?"

"Are you saying I'm incapable of dieting?" Tori snapped.

"What? No! I wasn't saying that at all!" Trina replied defensivley. "You really need to relax Tori! No, I was saying that you have a great figure and you don't need to change anything about it."

Tori didn't reply, she just thought to herself. _She's my sister, she's just saying that, I don't want a great figure I need a perfect figure._

She picked up on of Trina's celebrity magazines that were at her feet, Tori generally hated reading these but she caught glimpse of picture of celebrities in swimsuits on the front cover. She was in awe of their prominent ribs, thigh gaps, hip bones and flat stomachs. _This is what I need to become!_ They were famous and their super thin bodies were probably a reason why. Tori took a picture of the cover with her phone. She had read online about finding pictures to use as your thinspiration and she had found hers.

* * *

When they arrived at Hollywood Arts , Tori walked nervously inside. She avoided eye contact with people by staring at the ground as she walked to her locker. She opened the door wide so she could hide her face, she was shaking so much with nerves that she kept dropping things on to the floor. It was hot in school and her jumper did not help. She began to fan herself with a piece of paper.

"Vega" She heard a voice call. She groaned to herself. it was Jade, she was the last person Tori felt like seeing.

"What?" Tori whispered without looking at her.

"Well, are you ok? You never replied to me last night, you look pretty shook up," Jade replied.

"Did you tell anyone why I was in the nurse's office?" She stammered. "Jade I can't have people finding out!"

"What? No! Why would I do that? I didn't even tell Beck, look Tori I'm just trying to help you and trying to make you see sense, I don't understand why you want to change yourself."

_It's easy for her to say that,_ Tori told herself sadly. _She's pretty and has a loving, perfect boyfriend. She has nothing to worry about._

"Are you coming to class?" Jade asked.

"Are you sure nobody knows?"

"Yes! Come on!" Jade insisted. Tori didn't feel like going to class but when she saw the rest of her friends approach she knew she had no choice, she didn't want them to think that something was up.

"Hey Tori, are you feeling better?" Cat chirped. "Jade told us you were feeling sick yesterday."

"Yeah I'm fine," she smiled reassuringly. She was always able to act, no matter what mood she was in.

"Man it is hot," Andre complained.

"Yeah, Tori, aren't you hot in that sweater?" Robbie asked.

"No, I'm fine,"Tori swallowed. She wished she could take it off but it wasn't an option.

"But it's like 85 degrees outside?" Jade remarked narrowing her eyes. Tori avoided her eye contact. "Really? I didn't notice. Come on, can we just go to class?"

Tori pretty much zoned out during all of her classes, thinking about dieting, becoming thin, getting rid of all the emotional pain burning inside of her.

She just wanted to go home and excercise or distract herself from her thoughts, but she knew she didn't have enough reason to call her mother to pick her up, but she was getting more uncomfortable every minute as Jade was watching her like a hawk.

At lunch, she noticed Jade purposely put her tray down beside hers. _Am I ever going to get away form her? _Even though Jade said nothing , Tori hated being in her presence everything was so awkward, she knew she had no other option but to eat and it made her feel disgusting about herself. She knew Jade wouldn't let her to the bathroom by herself, so she just didn't bother.

* * *

When Tori finally got home, she ran up to her room. For the first time today she could breathe properly. She liked Fridays, her dad worked late, her mom got her hair done and Trina stayed shut up in her room, posting videos on the slap so she had an hour to herself. Her parents went out every Friday evening too which meant she only had to see them for an hour before they left again.

She looked at the photo of skinny celebrities who were described as having the perfect body and compared herself to them in the mirror.

"I'm never going to look like this if Jade doesn't leave me alone," she moaned out loud to herself. She began to do jumping jacks and running on spot until she lost her breath. Finally she had to sit down at her desk. Annoyed about how unfit she was, she pulled hte scissors out of herdesk, it seemed to come naturally to her.

She gazed down at her wrists. She couldn't stand the heat today, she didn't want to have to keep covering up her wrists, but she knew there was less visible places where she could cut herself. She always hated her thighs but she couldn't do it there, what if she needed to wear shorts or a skirt. She equally hated her stomach, and she wasn't one to wear crop tops so she decided she keep scars hidden there. She picked up her scissors and made a mental note to herself to clean them before placing them at her side. All her feelings built up inside helped her to put more pressure on the blade. _One cut for being fat. _She winced at the pain, it was more painful than usual but it gave her some sort of relief. She continued, _One for beign ugly. _She could see this coming some sort of ritual but it was such a distraction from everything else she didn't want to stop.

Five cuts later, she put the scissors back on her desk and wiped her bleeding scars with some tissues. She heard the front door open down stairs. "Tori, Trina, I'm home! Sorry I'm late." Holly called. Tori had been so caught up in her thoughts and actions that she hadn't even realized her mother was half an hour late. "Come downstairs."

Tori quickly shoved the scissors into her desk and placed five band aids on her scars before running downstairs. She was content with herself. nobody would see these wasn' quite finished but she didn't want her mother to get suspicious about anything. She could continue later once they had left the house.


	7. Chapter 7

"Tori," her mom smiled with relief as Tori appeared in the kitchen. "How was school? "

"Fine," Tori lied.

"I'm glad to hear it," Her mom replied placing two dinner plates on the table for the two sisters. "Did Trina tell you she was going to the movies tonight?"

"No," Tori shook her head. She smiled to herself, she would have a free house for the whole night.

"Yes, so I invited your friend Jade over so you won't have to worry about being alone," her mother continued. Tori's mouth dropped. Of all people why would her mother invite Jade over?

"Why? I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself!" Tori moaned.

"At the moment I'm not taking any chances, I didn't think you'd be upset by this, Jade is such a good friend, I don't understand why she isn't over more often," Her mother sighed. Tori gritted her teeth. She couldn't even get away from Jade in her own house.

"Trina!" Her mother shouted up the stairs. "Dinner."

Tori sat at the table and picked up her fork she had never felt so sick at the sight of Pot pie, she used to love it but now she just wished she never had to eat again. She made a face but her mother caught glimpse of it and sat down. "I'm not moving until you eat your meal."

Tori had to force it down her throat like some sort of poison. Everything just seemed to disgusting now. She wanted to throw it up so badly but she knew, with her mother around there was no chance of that happening.

"Mom, please, I can't eat anymore," She cried, when she had eaten half of the food on her plate. "I feel sick."  
"No you don't Tori, don't let your mind get the better of you," Her mother insisted. "I'll put the rest of it in the fridge and you can eat it later, ok? I expect it to be gone when your father and I come home."

The door bell rang and Trina ran to get it. She opened it and sighed. "Oh it's you."

"Yes it's me," Tori heard Jade reply. "Why who were you expecting?"

"Some friends if you must know," Trina boasted. Tori could hear Jade holding back a surprised laugh.

"Jade!" Her mother smiled walking to the door. "Come in, Tori's here. Don't worry we'll be out of you're hair in a few minutes, I'm meeting your dad at the station. Trina, I'll give you a lift."

Tori felt awkward as the Goth walked into the house. This was the first time she had been invited to the house alone. Tori was already dreading the night that lay ahead of her.

"We'll be home before midnight!" Her mother called as she walked out the door, closing it behind her, leaving Tori alone with Jade.

"So how did my mom get your number?" Tori asked suspiciously.

"I gave it to her the other day, she was freaked about you so I said I'd call her if you started acting strange again, like you did today."

"You called her again today?"

"No, but you were acting strange."

"No I wasn't!" Tori said defensivley. "You've gotten me to eat again, haven't you? Why won't you guys get off back?"

"You were clearly trying to avoid me today Vega, usually I'm the one trying to get rid of you," Jade explained. "You're hiding something Tori."

"No I'm not," Tori hissed sharply. She felt panic rising inside her, what if Jade was on to her.

"Roll up your sleeve," Jade instructed plainly. Tori raised her eyebrows,how did she know?

"No, why?" Tori stammered as she felt tears prick up in her eyes. She pulled down on her sleeves with both hands, determined to not pull them up. She couldn't show Jade or anyone these scars.

"Tori," Jade warned walking closer to her but Tori froze in place. She just tried to keep her tears from flowing. Jade lightly grabbed her wrist .

"Ouch," Tori moaned before bearing her teeth. Jade had touched one of the stinging scars. Her eyes flared at Tori's cry and she pushed Tori's left hand to the side and pushed her sleeve up. Tori lowered her head as Jade's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open, speechless.

"Tori," She whispered. "Why?"

Tori could no longer fight back the tears. "You wouldn't understand," she sniffed.

"Maybe if you talked to me, I could?" Jade offered. But Tori shook her head. "Tori, you can't keep this to yourself. You need to talk to someone."

"No I don't, I'm fine Jade, ok? Just leave me alone!" She refused angrily.

"Tori, look at this, this is not fine!" Jade raised her voice. "You need to talk to someone or to me or else you need to get help."

"No I don't!" Tori screamed defensively and afraid. "I'm not mentaly ill. I'm fine. Jade please leave."

"I can't Tori, whether you like it or not I'm in this situation with you now, we have to tell your parents."

"No we don't, you've told them enough," Tori shouted. "If you hadn't, maybe I wouldn't have done this to myself."

Jade looked hurt, it made Tori feel even worse about herself. She angrily ran upstairs and slammed her bedroom door and locked it. She heard Jade chase her upstairs and trying to open her door.

"Tori please, I've told you I've been this sort of stuff before with someone, maybe I can understand if you just talk to me!" Jade cried. Tori didn't reply, she had her scissors ready in her hand.

"Fine, you've left me with no option," Jade shouted, she started dialling someone on her phone. "Hey, can you come over to Tori's, now? We have a big problem. Thanks."

Tori gasped, she couldn't believe what Jade had just done. She furiously opened her bedroom door. "Who did you call?"

Jade glanced concerned at the scissors in her hands. "Tori, please put those down. They're not even clean, you know you could get infected."

"Why do you even care Jade?" Tori asked clenching on to the scissors.

"Tori, please give me the scissors."

"Who did you just call?" Tori repeated.

"The scissors please," Jade placed out her hand but Tori held the scissors closer to herself. "No Jade, I need them!"

"No you don't, you can get through this if you talk to me," Jade insisted. Suddenly the doorbell rang. "Wow, she got here fast."

She ran down the stairs and Tori followed. "Jade, who is at the door? Tell me now!"

"Someone you can talk to, somebody who has been through all of this before," Jade explained as she pulled the front door open.

Tori's eyes widened in amazement. She couldn't believe who was standing there with a serious face and worried eyes. "Cat?"


	8. Chapter 8

"What's going on?" Cat frowned. "Tori ,why is you're mascara running?"

"Cat, we have a huge problem," Jade sighed. Tori watched them exchange worried glances.

"Please tell me it's not what I think?" Cat whimpered, Jade nodded in answer.

"She won't talk to anyone about it, I thought she was just starving herself but I found scars on her wrist too," Jade told the red head. Cat's eyes swelled with tears. "Why Tori?"

"Why me? Why you?" Tori sniffed. "Cat, this can't be right, you're always so happy! You never have a care in the world."

"Well I wasn't always this happy you know," Cat sighed softly, she pulled Tori over to the sofa and sat her down. As she began to speak ,Cat seemed to drift away to another place that seemed to be filled with regret and sadness. "It was last year before you came to Hollywodd Arts, I went through a really bad time. I didn't tell anyone because my parents had bigger issues with my brother and I just felt like nobody really wanted to listen to my silly problems. My parents told me my brother was sick but I didn't understand how sick he was, he started shouting really mean things at me, telling me I was fat and stupid. He didn't mean any of it but I didn't know that back then. To make it worse I had just been dumped by my first boyfriend. I complained to my parents, but no matter how loud I shouted it was like nobody ever heard me, my brother was their number one priority. I felt hurt and alone. I thought of ways that might help people notice that I was there too."

Tori had never seen Cat so deep. She looked so sad and far away as she told her tale. "So what did you do?"

Cat looked at her as if she had just woken from some trance. Jade put a hand on the red head's shoulder. "I can continue if you want." Cat nodded with appreciation.

"Cat stopped eating completely, it got to the stage where she was scarily underweight but none of us knew because she never said a word to us. She wore baggy clothes and stopped hanging out with us outside of school so we couldn't notice. We didn't really take much notice that she wasn't eating a lunchtime either. All the lack of food and energy made her mad, so when she did hang out with us she got mad and shouted at us. Another thing we didn't notice was that she felt so guilty about getting mad with us that she began to take her anger out on her own skin, like you're doing. To this day I still feel awful that I never paid enough attention to notice these things. She never spoke to anyone so it just kept getting worse. It continued for a while until one she cut too deep."

Jade's eyes now started to fill with tears, Tori's heart broke at the sight of the emotional goth, the last time she had seen her cry was when she dumped Beck. Cat patted Jade's hand gently.

"I never spoke to anyone because I knew it was wrong, I didn't want people thinking I was a nutcase like my brother, I had been to a psychiatric hospital before and it was scary. But this one day I had just had enough, I was fighting with my parents all evening and then finally I had enough, I was really stressed and I'm not even fully sure what my intentions were but I picked up a kitchen knife and cut deeper than I ever had before. Next thing I knew I was in a hospital bed."

It was so much for Tori to take in. She couldn't picture the perky scarlet-haired girl lying in a hospital bed. She wished this was all a dream.

"The doctors told me I was anorexic and I had to see a counsellor. They said that if I continued on like I did I could have killed myself. I was terrified. I wanted to hurt myself again but my parent shad to keep a constant watch on me. I didn't want to tell my friends because it was making my parent's life a misery I couldn't do the same to them. But then the counselling sessions started, I was redundant at first but I found that talking really helped, I finally found the confidence to tell Jade, she helped me through it,I started eating again, slowly and finally one day I was able to walk past a knife without my fingers itching to grab it. Nobody said anything to me when i got back to school, it's funny how much a smile can hide. I'm not saying it was easy but it was much better than sitting miserably at home harming myself and shutting out everything and everyone I loved."

Tears began to roll down the three girls faces. Cat squeezed Tori's hand. "Please Tori, you have to talk, it helps. I don't want you to go to through the same thing I did. It was horrible," she sniffed, wiping her eyes. "What brought this on anyway?"

"Well do you remember that audition I did?" Tori confessed. Her two friends nodded. "Well, the director told me I wasn't suitable for a bikini scene. I've been trying to get a perfect body ever since, and when Jade told my parents I was making myself sick they were distracting me from my goal and it was making me angry, so I hit out at myself before I could hit out at anyone else."

"Tori, there's no such thing as the perfect body and even if there was, there's no point in dying to be perfect. That would stupid. Anyway look at you you don't need to change yourself," Jade said gently. "I hate admitting it but you're really pretty. Why do you think I was so angry that first day I saw you with Beck? I was scared that he would fall in love with you. One of the reasons why I'm mean to you is because I'm jealous. And I'm not just saying that."

"Tori," Cat smiled. You can't always make people happy and maybe that director was just trying to see how you handle criticism. Jade was only trying to help you by telling your parents, she saw what I went through and she was really upset that she couldn't help me before it was too late. You're really pretty Tori, inside and out, you don't need to do this to yourself."

Tori felt her lips break into a tiny smile. She felt more relaxed and at peace with herself than she had in a while. Jade handed her a tissue and Tori wiped the mascara from her face. It felt soothing to know her friends were there for her. They had already made her feel better about herself.

"Thanks Cat," Tori whispered. "And Jade. I'm sorry I got mad with you."

"It's totally ok Tori, I just hope you'll talk to us from now on? No matter what mood I'm in, I'm always willing to listen," Jade told her. Tori never imagined she'd see this side of Jade, behind the black and mean attitude, was a kind and good person.

"If you keep talking to us things can only go up from here," Cat assured her. "Everything will be back to normal again, in time."  
"So you'll start hating me again?" Tori asked Jade with a frown.

"Not completely," Jade teased. "But in return you have to promise that you'll talk to Cat and me?"

"I promise," Tori replied honestly. She could see how much it had affected Cat and Jade before, she was adamant that they wouldn't have to experience the problem again. Cat and Jade smiled with relief.

The three hugged, Tori never felt more safe in the arms of her friends. She knew she never had to keep anything from Jade and Cat again. She could rely on her friends to help her through anything.

* * *

**Author's Note: So that's it, I'm sorry I didn't warn you that this chapter would be the last, I wish I could write more but I can't. As I've said, this story is really personal and it's hard to write. I'm sorry if you were expecting a different ending such as Jori or a suicide but I was keeping it as real as I could. Writing this story has helped me in many ways. Thank you everybody for reviews, follows and favourites. I never imagined I'd get that sort of feedback from this story, thanks to everyone who stuck by it. It's been much different to all my other stories as they're all completely based on ideas in my head.**

**Thanks again, you don't know what it means to me,**

**SagaChronicles.**


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